The Big News

--note: the dates are not accurate as i am recalling from memory now

day 0-2: she is in Egypt. I am in Finland.
she is suspecting...I am still calm, as I usually try to delay the reaction to the last possible minute
day 0-1: she goes for a blood test..the suspense is a killer
I'm still calm, trying to prepare myself for the news.
I was not refusing the idea nor accepting it.
day 0: she calls and gives me with the big news.
I start my vacation a week earlier and take the first plane I can get.
At night, in bed, my mind is blank, my feelings have not yet surfaced.
I do the practical thing, I research my options.
day 0+1: On my way i have mixed feelings about it.
I didn't want a child now. I don't want the hassle of children, I don't think I am ready now.
Not ready financially nor psychologically, or at least that is what I think.
I meet her, we talk about it (you can imagine how that talk went).
I am not sure what to say to her. Should I say I love it, should I say I don't want it. But what do I really want.
day 0+5: we start accepting the fact that we are having a baby. Still a bit agitated and I am still not sure of what I want.
The decision to go through with it, is pronounced.
Vacation in Egypt half ruined by the stress and anxiety (we were able to enjoy a part of it anyway)
days to follow: We visit a doctor to see what is the status of the new creature.
Every day that passes by I am still not sure of my feelings, not refusing yet not loving that fact.

During my 5 years of marriage so far, i haven't pictured us with a baby. I love her deeply, yet i don't do as Brayan Adams says in his song "when yo usee your unborn children in her eyes, you know you really love the woman" no not me.
As days go by, I am doing my best supporting her, accepting the baby more, yet no strong feelings towards it.
I can't deny that some times i wish it didn't happen, or that it won't continue.

Now I have accepted my fate and living the experience. I ma not that excited yet about but i think i am starting to love that baby.

we'll see ...